Praying to Be a Mother of Two
Hi. My name is Claire and I write over at www.teachlovewrite.blogspot.com. I am guest posting today for the National Infertility Awareness Week blog linkup hosted by Lauren of Our Crazy Ever After. I honestly think what she’s doing is great, I mean, allowing women like me to share their personal experiences on infertility and get to know others who are in the same situation.
This is my story.
I’m thirty-nine years old, turning 40 this coming August. I have been married twice, once when I was 23 and second when I was 38. My first marriage ended in 2001 and the marriage annulment was granted by the church and the state some four years ago. That marriage was blessed with a child, my “baby” boy who is now fourteen. So, maybe you’re wondering what I’m doing writing this guest post about infertility.
Although I already have a son, I am still “one” out of eight because I have a difficult time conceiving. My periods have always been irregular since I was a teenager. When I got married the first time, I wasn’t like some women who get pregnant right after their wedding. It was a whole year and a half before I got pregnant. Besides, I was a lot younger then and infertility worsens with age, since a woman’s eggs are as old as she is. I also found out that I had polycystic ovaries around seven years ago.
I’m in a lot of pressure and stress mostly because I feel that I am running out of time. I’m almost 40 and I need to get pregnant fast. The older I get, the riskier it would be. I desperately want a baby girl. That’s what I’m asking God for – a baby girl. And they say that when you pray you have to claim it. So, that’s what I am claiming…a baby girl, a strong, healthy baby girl who looks like me! Don’t you just want to have a little one who looks exactly like you? I can’t imagine anything sweeter than that! I love my son very much and he’s my everything but a baby girl is different. I think it’s the only thing that’s missing in my life. Besides, I want my son to have a sister…someone who will love him and be with him when he needs someone to be with. And of course, I want to be able to give my husband a baby. He loves babies and I feel like I owe it to him to conceive a child. His mother also loves babies and every time we visit and she would ask if I’m not pregnant yet, and I’d say no, I feel kind of worried that at the back of her mind, it’s my fault that we still don’t have a baby ….although come to think of it, it is. Kind of.
Actually, I think it is in my genes. When my younger sister got married, she didn’t get pregnant at once. In fact, she and her husband had to wait for eight long years before she conceived. And during those long years, we kept remembering that some of our first cousins on my mother’s side also had trouble conceiving. I decided to check our family tree on my mother’s side and I found out that we had three or four grandaunts who were married but never had children.
So anyway, I’ve already had two rounds of workups with my OB. I’m actually on my third round at the moment. I’m having a transvaginal ultrasound on the 23rd to check the size of my follicles. Everything’s so expensive, the ultrasounds, the check ups, the medicines, the injections, but what can I do? It will all be worth it in the long run when the baby is here. Meanwhile, I would have to stand the pressure of everything – specially the rigid schedule that you have to follow so there would be a “successful meeting”. …you know what I mean. Come to think of it, I think that’s all the pressure lies. It’s the thought that you have to do it tonight, like it’s now or never. And then after those four scheduled days comes the anticipation coupled with a lot of stress and anxiety. “Were we able to do it?”, “ Is there a tiny form of human life in my womb now?”, “Will my pregnancy result come out positive next time?” And every time you do the test and it turns out the opposite of what you are hoping for, you get sad and depressed, and you ask questions like “Why do some women get pregnant so easily and I don’t?”
If only it was as easy as I thought when I was a little girl. You know, I used to hear on television that a baby or a child is the fruit of a married couple’s love for each other. And I took it as that. I thought that a man and a woman just had to get married and to love each other very much and then the woman gets pregnant, like magic.
Anyway, back to my journey, my doctor said that if we wouldn’t be successful this time, we’d have to do an artificial insemination. I’m not up to it though. If we are not successful this time, God forbid, I plan to go to an acupuncturist.
I just realized how much I’ve already typed and I don’t want to bore you much longer. But before I end, maybe you’re all wondering how my sister’s “infertility story” ended after eight years of waiting.
She stopped all the workups more than a year before she conceived. In December of 2011, she went to an acupuncturist who is also an OB doctor. She just had one session with him. In the middle of March 2012, the relic of St. Clare (we believe that she intercedes on behalf of childless couples) arrived in our city. My sister and her husband visited the relic. Towards the middle of April 2012, her tests (she had more than ten of them just to be sure) all turned out positive. Her adorable baby boy was born in December 2012.
Some people would probably think it was the acupuncture that did it for her. But I’d like to believe that it was St. Clare’s intercession. After all, my mom also asked for her intercession so that she could conceive. And that’s how I got my name…just with a different spelling.
At the moment, I have mixed feelings about everything but I know deep in my heart that God would grant me my wish. I just really have to pray. Nobody is in control here….only God, the Creator, the Giver of life.
What about you?
I’m so excited to know about your story. May we all have good news to share soon.
And to you, Miki, thank you very much for all your help with this post and for giving me this space to share my very looooooong story. I do ramble on. ☺
Thanks Claire, for sharing your story and you're welcome on my blog anytime! If you'd like to read more stories and help bring awareness, please check out Lauren's blog HERE.